As often happens, a friendship has helped to bring this desire to fully grieve to the surface. It took me awhile to understand it. It wasn’t until I was talking to my husband one day about it when he said (in regards to this friend), “I see (her) as being very motherly”. That was it! Mothers and being motherly... my unfinished needs from a controlling and narcissistic mom whose needs I always met, but she never met mine.
As I’ve looked at this friendship, I’ve looked at the world and at other friendships or relationships that aren’t or haven’t worked. I’ve looked at the few that are working. The connection is that the ones that aren’t working are motherly people while the others are friends or my partner.
In exploring this, I’ve found myself saying to my husband, “I’m just not good at friendships”. I’ve let that sit and taken a look at myself... and my need to be mothered while I played the people-pleaser for these people.
And so, I now wonder... am I really bad at friendships or am I (perhaps) actually good at friendships while I’ve outgrown the need for motherly people and people-pleasing?
I can now plainly see these motherly people... those who will convince you that they are their children’s or your heroes and those who want you to meet their needs, but will rarely meet yours. I see them now. I see why I needed them in the past (to try and fulfill a need with my own mom). I see now that I have outgrown that need and now step into embracing friendships and a partnership.
As my own mom did, these motherly people will keep you (your heartstrings) for their own...preventing you from embracing the healthy and fulfilling relationships that you truly desire.
Here’s to the importance of grief and embracing what I’ve wanted all along.
It wasn’t until I grieved, that I could make room for what I do want... friendships and embracing my husband.
—Lisa Pratt, April 2021
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