A few years ago, while at an appointment with my PTSD therapist, she asked me what I was feeling. As always, I was able to easily name off what I was feeling as emotion from what my brain translated the feelings to be (sadness, anger, etc.). When she asked me where I was feeling any type of sensation in my body, well, my answer was the same as every other day: my jaw, head, shoulders, stomach - all tense. As we talked through the process of feeling, I asked her, "Okay, this is great, but what do I do with these feelings?" She was confused and asked me to repeat my question. Her answer was, "Well, you feel them".
Through the years, as my therapist gave me a place to freely express myself authentically without changing it, I started to understand healthy safety.
Exploring Safety
As my husband and I were delving into a next step in our relationship a few months ago, we talked about how we needed to feel safe individually and as a couple. At first, I pictured that as an emotion, but then I wondered if there was more to this.
Is safety an emotion or is it something else?
Generations of Sayings
Our teachings do create a sense of safety, but let's explore this together.
Through generations, sayings were created and have continued to be passed down to each of us. These sayings are still repeatedly said to us and we have adopted them as right without stopping to question them.
Let's take a look at some of these sayings:
"shhh... don't cry; you're safe; don't be afraid; be a big boy; big boys don't cry; be the man of the house; everything happens for a reason; they're in a better place; don't worry, be happy; nice guys finish last; let go and let god; just breathe; love everyone; be kind; don't be afraid; just forgive; respect and obey your elders; "trust and obey for there's no other way"; someone is always going through something worst than you are; rub some dirt in it; just do it; be the change; you're here to serve; smile through the pain; live in the moment; only be happy; no one can love you until you love yourself", etc.
Spiritualism tell us, "True strength is when you have a lot to cry about, but you choose to smile and take another step forward anyways."
When I take a look at these sayings, I'm curious as to their pattern. As I read these sayings more deeply with question, what I see is being told to not listen to my internal self, to shame and deny my feelings and needs, and to not show nor experience how I am feeling. What I ultimately feel because of these sayings is sadness.
Is it possible these sayings were created when there was no hope, or lack of control?
I ask myself, "Why would I encourage someone not to cry and to deny how they are feeling?" And, worse yet, "Why would I tell someone to purposely change it?" I also question why I would encourage someone not to outwardly share how they are authentically feeling instead of providing comfort in my being there with them just as they are.
Is there is more to this type of encouragement?
My Biggest Question...
Is it possible that emotions from other people either make us feel uncomfortable or comfortable and that's how we decide if we are safe or unsafe?
What Are Some Ways We Create Safety?
I'd say that we all crave safety. Otherwise, I don't think our world would be in the state that it is in.
We all find and create safety in our own way. The question to pose to ourselves is whether these ways are helpful or harmful?
Let's take a look at a few ways we may experience safety.
Some people find safety by a title or being in a group. The world demands we have titles so that each person can immediately identify whether we are safe or a threat to them and whether or not they will be safe in allowing us into their group. If someone can immediately be identified as Mrs. or Ms., we automatically know if they are off limits or not. A religious or political title is a very quick way for us to identify if someone identifies with our personal beliefs so that we know whether to allow them into our group or shun them.
Years ago, I was creating a business for myself and pondering what to title myself and the business. A person (who was in my life at the time) demanded that I couldn't go by the creative title that I came up with (one that described myself and my business perfectly) because no one would understand what it was. Those were her fears. I went with it any ways.
In the example above, the person encouraged me to go against my idea because it made her uncomfortable. She may have tried to convince herself and me that it was for my protection, but she was actually trying to protect herself from her own discomfort of my choice and what she fears my outcome may be. If someone asks for our opinion, we can always share from our own experiences, but what a person truly is looking for is help in finding their own answer.
The most difficult one is when someone is suffering and we tell them to not cry, that the person is in a better place or that god needed them more than we did.
Why do we do this? To create a sense of safety for our own selves because it's uncomfortable.
Can There Be Harm In These Teachings?
Can there be harm in teaching humans to deny their true feelings and to shut them down or purposely change them?
As we currently live in the COVID-world, it seems to me that these "words of wisdom" can cause harm to others and to our own selves. How much better could our world be if we taught people how to experience ALL of their feelings as healthy and to know how to process them in a healthy way? We are currently living the harm of not knowing how to feel what we are feeling.
Healthy Ways To Experience Safety
As I've been exploring safety, I've realized how I've shut myself and others down because my feelings were uncomfortable for me. I didn't trust myself to be able to be experience those feelings. If they were because of my discomfort with someone else's feelings, I would try to change what they were feeling. If it was my own feelings, I would do what I had been taught... tell myself I'm stupid, there's nothing I can do to change them, it's a sign, I'm doomed, someone else has it worse than me, these feelings are something other than happy so they must be shamed, etc.
As I continue to explore, I'm starting to experience safety in a new way. My greatest sense of safety now is when I am able to be completely myself and I validate my feelings without an attempt to change them.
Also, I create safety for myself in doing what feels "snuggly" to me. If I'm home, I'll crawl into bed, feel the soft sheets, feel the warmth of the bed, orient myself to exactly where I am (because there are no attempts of harm from others), and allow myself to let feelings be what they are without changing them or trying to figure them out. As I do this, I learn to trust myself.
Creativity can also be a great way to experience safety. As humans, we crave being creative. Creativity is unique to who we are. It's how we express our individual self and share that with the world.
Humans Are Amazing
When I think about safety in a broader way, I realize that the only reason I would choose to tell someone not to feel what they are feeling and not to share how they are feeling is because it makes me uncomfortable. What this does is disconnect me from myself and from others.
Humans crave connection. When we are connected, there can be a sense of healthy safety. In encouraging someone to shut down because of our discomfort, I don't know that there can be a healthy connection within our own selves and with others.
When someone shares an emotion that causes me to feel uncomfortable, I can make a choice to shut the other person down (disconnect from them) to alleviate my discomfort or I can make a choice to connect to myself in a healthy way by feeling my discomfort and say to myself, "Hmmm... this is interesting... their emotions are making me feel uncomfortable and this gives me a sense of being unsafe. I will choose to feel my discomfort and care for myself while also choosing to connect to the other person in a healthy way by being with this person just as they are".
How amazing would it be right now (in the world of COVID) if we all realized that we are all connected in shared grief? What if we were each able to experience that grief with a sense of healthy safety that brought us together? Because, in grief, we usually choose to connect - to share and comfort with a sense of shared safety to comfort each other.
Humans truly are amazing and we can change... it's what makes us human. What type of safety do we want to start living in now?
-- Lisa Pratt, December 2020
Comments
Post a Comment