Re-la-tion-ship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.
If you're reading this post, I assume it's because you want to explore relationships in some way. Relationships are very personal to each of us and, I hope that I can provide some insights or inspirations based upon my realistic life.
Relationships seem like they should be so easy, but often times they aren't. Why is that?
Relationships can enhance our lives while, other times, seem to destroy us. They can help us in knowing that we are supported, loved, and cared for or they can demean, diminish and, leave us feeling lifeless.
It is my opinion that everything in our life is a relationship. The most obvious is our relationships to other humans or our pets, but we may also have relationships with many other things, including: money, a god, a practice, a belief, a career, our values, our morals, politics, possessions, food, activities, our appearance, hobbies, nature, emotions, feelings, etc. The list goes on to whatever is most important to each of us and where we choose to put our energy.
With a willingness to question and open up to creative ideas, a whole new world of possibilities in relationships can open up for each of us.
Why Am I Qualified To Talk About Relationships?
Well, because it's the one thing I feel I've done well in my life with my husband. The reason I've been able to do this with him is because he's been a willing partner with me.
When I started to write this blog, my initial plan was to only share what my husband and I have learned together. Our relationship and what we've created is worth sharing, but I decided that I want to share the beauty in the work that we're each capable of doing. Instead of continuing to only share the instant "do exactly (these) things" way to get there, I hope to inspire you to feel your way to healthy relationships.
As I've recently been exploring other relationships (beyond my husband) in my life more in-depth, I realized that I wanted to share more of my truth (and hopefully find some of my own answers that I've been seeking as I share with you).
Throughout the majority of my life, I've been very lonely and have deeply craved loyal, healthy relationships. I never craved relationships that didn't have problems, but I did crave relationships that shared in each others joys, cried together and, were mature in working together through any problem that came along.
My difficult truth is that I have made a lot of mistakes in relationships and, I'm still learning from those. I'm still working my way through the fog that persists in completely seeing myself and others there.
I don't yet know how much of my difficulty lies within the immature examples from my parents; trauma from childhood with my parents; my fear of abandonment that was instilled in me by my parents; how much is me taking too much responsibility; how much is me not taking enough responsibility; how much of it is just who I am; how little we each know about healthy relationships or, a combination of all of these.
I've learned that I do well in relationships that are equal give-and-take, and in those that are willing to work through a problem together with a shared outcome. I thrive in relationships with those who provide consistent safety.
I've left quite a few relationships because I wasn't being treated in the way that was acceptable to me. Sometimes I spoke up, but most of the time I didn't and, that is something I am still working on. My fear of abandonment has been huge and that's why my need-to-be-needed and people-pleasing has been so strong - it's what has given me a safe feeling from my fear of abandonment. I've learned that when I am "cloudy" in a relationship, it usually is my sign that it isn't healthy for me.
My husband, though, has taught me that those who say, "You can't be loved until you love yourself" are wrong. I am a real person in a real relationship with another real human who I value beyond anyone or anything else. In our 25 years together, we have constantly strived to do better. We made the choice to put our energy into ourselves, each other and, our relationship. When we couldn't figure it out, we went to a qualified therapist who gave us the tools to get to the next step together and then we did our work.
We've been through a lot in our lifetime together. We've had a lot of fun and so many laughs. We've also had a lot of of tough times thrown at us. At every turn, we could have used it to destroy ourselves, the other person, and our lives together. But, we've always decided to take what life brought us and figure out how it would make us stronger. I chose to trust my husband when he told me we could always figure it out.
The beauty of being 53, is that I'm no longer looking for the drama nor only being needed and, I'm now actively seeking a life with other healthy relationships in addition to the one with my husband.
When we look again at the definition of relationship, "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected", to get to our answers, the biggest question may be:
What type of connection do I have to myself?
Relationships in a COVID-19 World
While I'm writing this, we're currently living in the COVID-19 world. I don't know if we're still in the beginning, in the middle, or whether we (as humans) will decide that we will come together and bring the end to it.
I am so amazingly happy that I live with a person whom I like, who I'm safe with and, who I love being with. My heart goes out to anyone who is not in a safe relationship during this time.
As COVID-19 started, I decided I was going to become a better person out of this experience. What I realize (for me) is this means maturing emotionally. I didn't realize how much of a journey this would be, the feelings of deep sadness I would start to delve into, nor how I would start to explore every relationship (past, present and, future) in my life.
The question may be, "Can I connect to my discomfort?"
The sadness I am experiencing is uncomfortable while profound. I try my best to just let it speak to me in words that I don't understand while I also question whether this from my present, a pattern from childhood or, a lifetime worth of sadness that I've not felt safe (internally) enough to explore until now.
As I look at my need-to-be-needed and people-pleasing, I know these techniques for safety used to work for me, but they no longer are. I want more beyond need.
While I explore those in my life who have allowed me to care for their needs, I'm taking a look at myself and how a need-to-be-need and people-pleasing used to be my driving force of tiny moments of feeling accepted with huge moments of complete loss and sadness. I'm no longer at that place, but still... I wonder how to navigate these relationships and those I want to develop in the future.
It's time to learn a new way. It's time to explore by feeling.
What Is A Healthy Relationship
Creating a healthy or thriving relationship takes a willingness to invest in it and care for it. If we buy a plant and don't water it, it will soon die, right?
We each have needs and wants. Our needs are what it requires for us to feel safe. Our wants add to the thriving of our life. In truth, we want to feel safe and everything we do is in trying to achieve that feeling of safety so that we can thrive.
Relationships are extremely easy except that they are extremely complex. The sad part of that is that few of us know who we are nor what a healthy relationship is. Rarely does someone talk to us about building relationships beyond the "honeymoon phase" nor how difficult it may be to have healthy relationships. Why?
Because most of our world doesn't know that there is anything different than what they have and, if they do know, they don't know what it looks like or how to achieve it. It's a lot of work and our world often wants instant ease. Our current world is addicted to watching TV shows of relationship destruction and their life is now lived in re-creating that drama because they think it will bring them wealth, notoriety and, fulfillment.
If what is most important to you is how the world perceives you, then all of your energy will go to your never-ending hope of attempting to please the world. If you want to be healthy and you want healthy relationships, I encourage you to put that energy into yourself instead of a world that really doesn't care.
The only person who can determine what a healthy relationship is your own self. What is healthy in the past may no longer be healthy in the present or future. As we mature emotionally, we start to look to ourselves for our answers instead of hoping to finally please the world. It's so weird to me that we teach to not trust our own selves. We're taught there is safety in people-pleasing and, maybe they're right in a way but, if you're looking to the world for your answers, you will never experience the wonder of who you are and, you will never know the experience of having a safe internal place to know you can always go to.
Other people (like me) can give suggestions, opinions or, examples of how we have created our healthy relationships and how we're still working toward that, but this is about you discovering your own personal visions, decisions, worth and, willingness to work. This is about you taking the uncomfortable journey of feeling your feelings because that is where your answers are.
What's that, you say?
The hope is that we will be taught internal and external safety by our caregivers as an infant and child. When that doesn't happen, it's something we still need to learn from other healthy people as adults.
What I'm realizing in my life now is there are a lot of feelings happening within me that I don't know how to interpret (and that's okay). When we're given safety in a relationship, it allows us to start questioning. And, to find our answers, we must feel. Safety allows us to take the internal journey of uncomfortable exploration of all of the amazing feelings we have.
As we go through our lifetime, we hear repeated sayings that are said so often that we no longer pay attention to them, but they are still being engrained in us. (Some examples are: don't be afraid, don't worry be happy, let go and let god, just forgive, don't cry, etc.)
Two sayings that we often hear now days are: "Be Kind" and "Love Everyone". While all of these sayings are often said to put us at ease, the truth is we say these things because other people's feelings make us uncomfortable. Why else would we tell someone that only the feeling of happy is "good" or "enlightenment"?
The harm in these sayings is that they are teaching us that our feelings aren't good and to not trust them. It's also teaching those who are humble and empathetic that they need to stay in abusive relationships (in order to be kind and to love everyone). Please, if no one has ever told you before, you do deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. If you are in a relationship that is abusive, I give you permission to know that you can love someone AND be kind while also leaving them.
Looking at ourselves and our relationships is difficult.
Building a safe relationship is often uncomfortable. Why? Because, for most of us, this is something totally foreign. When it's foreign, our body finds every way it can to protect itself. Many times the ways we create safety for ourselves as children isn't (overall) healthy, but thankfully it's a way that we found to remain whole and we survived. As we mature emotionally as an adult, our world expands to more ways of thriving instead of sabotage.
As I give myself safety in feeling what I'm feeling, I'm able to navigate (sometimes tripping and falling) these feelings to the core of what I know to be my ultimate feeling.
Creating a new way of healthy safety goes beyond just surviving... it leads to a life of thriving.
My hope is to build a safe relationship with my internal-self so that any other relationship I create is no longer based on my need to be needed or pleasing. Instead, it's a healthy relationship that is and based on want and being there in times of need. When we have a healthy internal relationship, our external relationships are an addition to our already thriving life.
I admire my husband and his trust in himself to always figure something out. There is so much safety in that which leads to a life of thriving. He is teaching me and I am learning.
As my husband and I make a big decision for the next step in our lives together, I remind myself of what he's always told me, "Whatever comes along, we'll figure it out". I remind myself of that at least 100 times a day right now. As I look around me and look behind me, I know that he is right. With this, I trust myself more. With this, I know safety. With this feeling of safety, my life can go from healthy to thriving... all because I'm learning to trust myself.
The answer that I've found for myself in writing this blog is this: I don't have to know exactly what my feelings are telling me. I can "connect to the uncomfortableness" of them and there I find safety. In that safety, I will continue to find my way to other healthy relationships that can begin to thrive.
--Lisa Pratt, November 2020
Comments
Post a Comment