Yesterday I was tired. I was tired to the point of being dizzy and not able to find words. I was cranky with waves of being angry, wanting to cry, and wanting to just rest. Even though I needed help and my husband offered when it became apparent I needed it, I pushed myself. It sounds easy to suggest that I just rest, but is it really that easy? For some, yes. For others, no.
As I was going to bed last night, I said to myself and the universe that I wanted to understand this more and to know how to care for myself in a new way. The answer that came back was “safety”. As I did when I was a child to provide a feeling of safety, I snuggled into our soft sheets and felt soothed.
When I woke up this morning, I had an even better understanding of my tiredness... I understood I was mentally tired.
My husband and I often have amazing conversations at our breakfast table. True to this, my questions to him this morning were, 1) do you know when you are physically tired? His answer to this was easy and quick.. yes. 2) do you know when you are mentally tired? He thought about this for a moment and said yes after he thought about a day at work. And, 3) do you know when you are emotionally tired? This one he wasn’t quite sure about. I asked him to describe how he knew he was tired in these ways and most of them had a physical component to them.
This topic lead to the next topic of patterns.
Pattens are everywhere in our world and we all have them. Now that I live in nature, I love watching the patterns of the deer and what they tell us about the patterns of the weather, seasons, survival, etc. We have a lot to still learn. Watching the patterns of nature is helping me to look more closely with awareness at my own.
I don’t have proof, but I’d venture to say that humans are creatures of patterns and that we start to recognize each other’s patterns without even knowing that we do. It’s how we can keep ourselves safe.
If we all have patterns, how do we recognize them and can we change them?
As a child, I’d suddenly have a thought of, “it’s been awhile since (this) happened”. Since my parents often fought, these thoughts were generally fear and survival thoughts about them. The thought I had always happened and usually pretty quickly after my thought. Because of how I was raised, I feared this, feared myself, thought this made me evil and, that I was causing this thing to happen, but now I know differently. I now know that this was my understanding their pattern and I found a way to self-care as a child when I needed protection from those who were supposed to protect me. I now know that this is my sign of mental fatigue and tiredness, and a pattern for me to pay attention to.
As I look around the world, I see patterns in humans that we all share. This week many have shared how stressed they are without really understanding why. I see the patterns of those who must have been raised like I was... with the teaching that if we sit still for a moment to rest, we’re lazy and bad. It’s easy to spot us, we’re the ones pushing ourselves through to utter illness because it’s the only way we hope to finally be told we’ve done enough and can finally rest, and it’s how we feel good about ourselves and worthy of rest (or, do we?)
When we watch children, we can easily see their pattern when they are tired or hungry. As our world teaches us to do, most try to power through it until they get cranky, cry, and their eyes droop until they finally drift off to sleep when their body gives them no other choice.
As I look around the world and take a look at myself, I realize how damaging this teaching can be. Why is everyone so angry and why isn’t our anger fixing our tiredness? If only our world would stop teaching anger as shameful. If only we could see our anger as our sign. If only we would listen to our anger and value it. If only we would recognize our pattern and choose something new. If only we recognized this as our need for true rest in more ways than we knew existed... physically, emotionally, and mentally. But, we don’t even know how to recognize these signs, how to see our patterns, and how to change the outcomes of our patterns. We only know how to shame ourselves and hope that violently acting out our anger will rid us.
As I become more willingly self-aware, I realize I know when I’m physically tired, but I’m also starting to know now when I’m emotionally or mentally tired, too. It’s strange to me to think in this way and to learn how to emotionally and mentally rest.
As mental patterns come back now that I recognize from childhood, I know now it’s time for me to learn something new... how to mentally rest. For me, that starts with creating a safe and nurturing environment... snuggling in to soft blankets like I did as a child, but now I know it’s value and give that to myself willing.
I think it’s possible we will always have our same patterns. But, can we change them? I think so... at least the outcome by recognizing our signs as they happen and learning to trust ourselves as we let go of the childhood patterns.
I wish as a child that my parents had known that their arguments didn’t have to always end the same way. I would have known better as an adult. Now when my brain recognizes that a pattern is building of tension with my husband or someone else, I now know that instead of trying to stop my thought of, “it’s been awhile since (this) happened” and hoping that will fix it, I can now recognize that this thought is telling me that it’s time to self-care so that a pattern can have a new outcome...stopping to rest.
Where are you in your pattern? What can you do to change it?
—Lisa Pratt, February 2021
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