I'm Not Available Right Now - You Will Need To Fix Yourself


Are you tired? Me, too.  That's why ...
If you need me, I'm not available right now.  You will need to fix yourself.

Fixing The World

Most of us want to "fix" the world.  We are going through (yet another) election and every day we see on social media people fighting (yet again) over who is right and who is wrong.  Why do we care so much about who is right or wrong and why do we NEED to convince someone else? Because we want everyone to be like us so that we can live in the world we want to live in.

As a child, my parents taught me that being a people-pleaser would keep me safe.  I was taught that the best way to make it in life is to know what everyone else is feeling or thinking so that I could adjust to them and please them.  I became the "fixer" and the "pleaser"... always hoping someone would see the "good" in me and always with the hope of some day being able to live in the world I wanted to live in.  

I now understand that a lot of people raise their children with the belief that, if we can figure out how to please an unpleasable god or people, we will always be safe or "happy".  We're taught to deny our own internal sense (our feelings, emotions, morals and, values) and that only a god or other people can tell us what is right, wrong, good or, bad = pleasing.  We exhaust ourselves with emotional highs and lows by looking for outward "signs" of whether or not we are being pleasing.  

Sadly, these types of teachings, false safety and, false happiness often leads to a loss of our own identity, which leads to "fixing", which leads to people-pleasing, which leads to needing to being needed, which often leads to abuse and, all of this leads to a lifetime of depression and EXHAUSTION.  

The result is an emotional high that is very short-lived.  We are now alone and lonely - depressed.  We are exhausted.  We need to recharge.  We wait until the next need arrives.  And... we're off again in that moment of high.  The cycle of being pleasing and non-pleasing continues... ever chasing the external "carrot".

My Life

As I reflect, I realize the entirety of my life has been filled with tiny moments of emotional highs when I have been needed or pleasing and, mostly filled with deep loneliness as I sit alone waiting to be needed again.  

I see how tired I have been from this need to be needed.  I see how sad I have been.  I see how it was pleasing to my parents and to others to be there for them in their time of need, only to feel lonely as soon as there was no longer any need of me.  I see I have been grieving my entire life.

I don't know how to connect beyond needing to be needed and it's how the people who are needing connect to me.

As I look around now and realize that the people who needed me in the past are no longer here, I look at my part and see how I have been sitting and waiting to be needed - wanting to fill this addictive need of my own.  I taught others to only need me. I taught myself that I was only pleasing if I was needed and "fixing".

This time I feel my loneliness and I let it speak to me knowing that this is no longer what I want.  It's never been what I wanted, but it's what I needed... to be needed.

What I realize is this:
  • I've helped the people who needed me get to the safe place that they are now.
  • The people who needed me filled my need to be needed.
  • We've helped each other.
Who am I if I'm not needing to be needed?

I recently read that the types of relationships/friendships that we want to be in start to change as we grow into our 50's.  We feel safe in questioning everything and we no longer are addicted to the drama or narcissism.  Instead, we want ease with lasting bonds and emotional maturity.  I am finding that to be true.

I settle in with a different recharging and I hear my own voice instead of the world's voice calling me to fix its needs.  I am no longer waiting for the call to be needed.

I'm allowing my loneliness to be heard.  I now understand that, if I continue to fill my loneliness with the temporary and false fix of needing to be needed, there's no room for what I've always wanted in my life - being wanted and energy to live my life.
Just a reminder... 

If you need me, I'm not available right now.  You will need to fix yourself.  I'm learning a new way of living life without waiting for the needed to call to me.

-- Lisa Pratt, October 2020