A Lived Life

"You Belong Somewhere You Feel Free"

Wildflowers, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

I'd wager that there are very few people who aren't afraid of being abandoned - it's in our survival DNA and it's constantly reinforced by how we've been raised and what the world continues to teaches us as "the truth".  When looking back over the beginnings of humanity, conforming to the group makes sense.  However, in present time, it doesn't.  Even so, that survival DNA is still living within us and an internal war is waged with an external world that still tells us to follow them.  

In most ways, we rely on others for our survival.  We're taught by our world and caregivers that our answers exist outside of ourselves.  We're told to deny our own feelings (and to shame them), to please others who can never be pleased, and that the laws of good or bad (sin or karma) are how to navigate our lives.  Our world spins round and round outside of us as we hope to figure out the game.  All the while something inside is telling us that we want to live a different way.

We live in a world that can be difficult to navigate.  People are always there to tell us that they know the RIGHT way and are ready to "fix us" into what they consider acceptable (what they don't fear).  Those who are born as well-meaning empathetic people with their own morals of living life in a caring way, can easily become caught in a life of people-pleasing without ever knowing their own selves.

The more we try to not be abandoned and the more we navigate our life believing the fear that tells us we'll die if we don't please others (without ever questioning whether or not it's still true), the more we sell ourselves out and cut our lived lives to misery.

Our entire lives are spent only in the hope of trying to please people who will never be pleased.

What if there was a different way to live life?

It wasn't long into my relationship with my husband that he said to me, "Lisa, we can figure this out".  I can't remember what was happening, but it was something non-life threatening and stressful.  I did what my parents taught me... I panicked.  I was about to learn a new way through my husband. 

I was about to learn to trust myself and live an easier life.

When COVID-19 started, I decided that I was going to become a better person out of this experience and I was open to what that may be.  I was willing to feel the (sometimes uncomfortable) feelings of realizing I had done regretful things in my life.  I decided that this time I would learn from those things and do better now instead of hiding in shame or begging to a god or unsafe person to forgive me as I had been taught.  

What I've learned is that it all comes to trust in myself.

The road this has taken me down has been a different experience and outcome than what I would have ever imagined.  This road has been in realizing that life is most easily traveled for me by trusting myself instead of attempting the impossible - pleasing someone/something else.  

This has become about embracing that life is going to happen (that IS living) and that I can trust myself to figure it out.  I've learned that it can be scary to feel what I'm feeling, but I can provide a safe place to feel and explore because I now know if something doesn't feel like how I want to live, I can learn from it, apologize (if needed, and the person is safe), and do better next time.  When we're living in the taught trap of shame, we aren't able to think past, "I'm bad and there's nothing I can do to change that".

"Is it possible what I've been told isn't true for me?"

Fearful humans fear questions.  When we are questioning, we are growing and learning to think beyond what we've been told.  When we question, we are going internal to find our answers (instead of external to the fearful people).

When we think about a life of non-trust in ourselves, it is based on an anxiety that has no hope... it is based on a need for others to give us our answers and a fear of doom with an endless need to be pleasing.  When we trust ourselves, the anxiety becomes a life of adventurous questions that we know we can solve in endless ways.  

What might it be like if questions were no longer based on fear of abandonment, but instead, questions were based on living your easier and more fulfilling life (including fear that you take by the hand instead of shame or deny)?

What would it be like to ask these questions while taking your fear of abandonment by the hand in your safe place?

What if...

We questioned everything?

We taught that feeling every feeling is amazing and a clear path to our decisions and discovery in our lives? 

We no longer taught in terms of shame (good, bad, pleasing, sin, or karma)? 

We didn't teach dissociation as "enlightenment"?

Instead of teaching to please others/god (external), we taught how to navigate our own lives with a feeling of safety (no matter what life brings)?

We taught to feel every single one of our feelings without repressing ourselves because of someone else's uncomfortable fear of feelings?

We no longer spent our lives rejecting or trying to fix ourselves?

We taught to question everything with excitement and to navigate our lives through trust in ourselves by owning personal responsibility and choices? 

We no longer blamed others for our choices?

We learned and grew from our choices?

We didn't spend our entire life in prayer or meditation asking for answers to our questions, praying that good things would come our way, begging for forgiveness, or figuring out which decision to make?

We didn't spend our lives rejecting who we are?

Living life was our prayer, relationship to god, and meditation?

What if... There was room to LIVE your life?

The other day I was talking to a woman on the phone.  We were sharing how painful it was to be raised by mother's who were conditional and who were always taking love off of the table if we didn't please them.  In the next breath she asked if I was a born again christian.  My first thought was, "What in the hell does this have to do with our conversation?" (it had NOTHING to do with our conversation) and then, "Seriously?" (eyes rolling).  

In a moment, I felt into my feelings of freeze, to anger, to wanting to hang up the phone, and to a strong desire to go to the safety of my amazing, loving husband.  Feeling into my fear of rejection and abandonment, I gave her my authentic answer.  When I didn't please her with my answer, she attempted to use her fearful domination to convince me that who I am is bad.  In that moment, she had just done to me what our conditional mother's had done to us - she had caused pain by the threat of abandonment if I didn't please her.  After hanging up, I went to my safe husband for comfort and allowed my anger and sadness to come out in my safe place.  Because I was in a safe place, I was able to feel all of my authentic feelings.   Through this, I was able to realize that I was living my life in a way of continually trying to avoid abandonment (the fear of someone rejecting me).  I decided that I would now live in a way that trusts that I can be the one to walk away if someone isn't respectful of me or is trying to manipulate me into what is comfortable for them.  I'm no longer willing to conform because I'm afraid of their rejection.  With trust in myself, I no longer have to give into the fear of abandonment.

If we're in a healthy and safe relationship, we are free to share who we are in open and trusting conversation. 

When we are in an unhealthy and unsafe relationship, it is maintained around a manipulation of pleasing, rejection, and abandonment to keep us in their control.

When we trust ourselves, we can go to those who are healthy and safe to learn what we don't know or to sift through an answer that we are looking for - making our decision based on trust.  

With trust in ourselves, there's more room to breathe.  There's a lifting of a burden with more space to live.

The following is an inspiring video to watch when seeking encouragement to explore a different way of living other than what we've been taught.

Life is intended to be lived instead of begging for a sign that you're good enough to live it.   YOUR life is intended to be lived.  Your life can become about trusting yourself to find your answers.  

When we go to where fits us instead of trying to force ourselves into something that isn't us, our life can be lived.  There no longer is a need to fix ourselves or make ourselves fit into a place that is uninspiring or overwhelming for us.

Listen to your feelings. What are they telling you? Your feelings will guide you to you.