My Journey - The Questionings of Survival and Safety


"My Journey - The Questionings of Survival and Safety"

As 2019 came to a close, I decided that 2020 would be my year of "Questioning Everything".  I soon discovered that the beginning part of this process has at times left me feeling empty and lost; with more questions; empowered; and a desire to go to the next step in my life:  Questioning Survival and Safety.

Who Am I Writing This Post To?

This post is for anyone and everyone who wants to explore with me.  However, my vision has been for those who, like me, were raised in unhealthy survival, neglect and abandonment without safety.

The experience of internal and external safety is different for those who were raised in healthy survival (caution and responding appropriately to threat) and with safety than it is for those who were raised in unhealthy survival, abandonment, neglect and lack of safety.

Questioning is Powerful = Questioning is Scary

Questioning is powerful and it can be scary when we start to open up to more than what we were told was acceptable for our safety.  Our survival is threatened.

I've always been a "questioner".  As a child, I didn't necessarily question why I was told to clean my room (that was obvious to me) or why I had to go to my parent's church when their teachings and beliefs didn't fit me, but I've always questioned those things that can be very scary for some people:  Questions about humanity, god, the teachings of groups, books that people pattern their lives after, old sayings, everything beyond god and what more lay in the Universe.  

My parents "lived" in unhealthy survival and it was scary for them when I questioned anything, especially their religion.  Because of my lack of safety, I stopped outwardly asking questions and only posed questions in my own mind.  This type of parenting led to my neglect.

What is Survival and Safety?

As infants we learn by modeling and we mimic our caregivers - our brains are sponges and we are internally learning from the external modeling.  If our caregivers are connected to us and we are modeled safety and love from them, we learn the internal feeling of love and safety from their external modeling.  This means we can easily thrive in the world because we know we can rely on ourselves to create the life we want, even when there is a real threat.  We have learned how to question what is around us and to use caution to keep us safe. 

On the other hand, if we are modeled that the world is a horrible and unsafe place, then that is what we will model.   This means that everything in the world will be a threat to us (real or not) and our focus will be on attempting to fix the (real or perceived) threat (aka people-pleasing) instead of bonding with safe people and thriving in our lives.  If we can figure out how to finally please-people, we believe we will finally know safety.

If our caregivers are only focused on the external world and its (real or perceived) threats as a way to keep us safe instead of focusing on safety in the home, this can lead to neglect.

How do we learn a balance of survival and safety? 

We all want to survive.  Our brains have held on to most of our survival ways even though many of those ways are no longer appropriate today.  We each find ways to ease our fear of dying.  It's whatever may help each of us to feel safe - it doesn't matter if it's right, wrong, healthy or unhealthy.  We basically don't want to die and we rarely question if what our survival brain is telling us is true, appropriate, or in our best interest.

To stay alive and to live a thriving life, it seems there is a balance of fear (caution) to keep us alive and safety to help us thrive.  We need to be taught why to not touch a stove that is turned on so that we won't touch it again.

As I said when I started this post, this is a very different experience for someone who was raised in healthy survival and safety as opposed to someone who was raised in unhealthy survival, abandonment, lack of safety and neglect.

If we haven't been modeled a healthy balance of survival (caution) and safety as an infant or child, finding someone to model safety with healthy survival is still essential as an adult in learning.  We need both the external and internal experiences in this process.  

The Effects of The World's Teachings

The world teaches us many things.  Someone with a healthy sense of safety may be able to hear these teachings and either apply or disregard them more easily than someone who was raised in an unhealthy survival atmosphere with neglect and lack of safety.  

An example would be when we tell a child or a person who is hurting to not cry or be afraid.  When I look at the world today, I see the harmful effects of this teaching.  Why would we not want to model healthy crying or fear? We live in a world that teaches crying or fear as a weakness because we may not survive if we show "weakness".  

Another example that comes to my mind is being (essentially) told we'll never be loved until we love ourselves.  When we have been neglected, we don't hear that and suddenly "wake up" loving ourselves.  We were modeled denial of our own self through neglect and unhealthy survival - loving ourselves meant we wouldn't survive.  The only thing this teaching is reinforcing for those who have been neglected is what they already believe about themselves - they're unlovable and someone on the outside can never love them until they finally do something that they've never had modeled before.

If we were raised in unhealthy survival, abandonment, neglect and non-safety, we were incredibly smart in figuring out ways that helped us to survive then.  At some point, we may want to learn more ways of safety than what we knew as a child.  

For those of us who were raised with caregivers who modeled unhealthy survival and neglect, as adults we still need to be modeled healthy self-care.

Is there good news if we were modeled unhealthy survival without safety?

The good news is that with work of our own; help from a safe therapist who is qualified; and a safe person to model to us, we can slowly learn the next step of moving from unhealthy survival and neglect toward healthy survival and safety.  

It is a slow, delicate, and complex process of finding a new type of model and learning to feel safety in a new way of both internal and external.  

I've recently asked myself the question of whether or not the world is as dangerous as I was taught it was... I'm observing and discovering that answer now.

I have found that giving myself a safe space to ask questions (both inwardly and outwardly with safe people) has been incredibly helpful in taking a step further into safety.  It is scary to question everything I've been taught to be true.  I've found what works for me is not in dismissing or denying fear as the world tells me, but rather taking it by the hand and inviting it to go with me.  

The question to ask ourselves is:

Am I living in unhealthy survival and it is preventing me from living the life that I want to be living?

Where are the models of safety?

We each find those models in different ways, times and places.  For me, those models been a couple of therapists, my husband and friends.  Each of these people gave me a safe space to share my story, thoughts and questions.  I am learning from my therapist how to slowly move from unhealthy survival and neglect to healthy survival and safety.

My husband chose to model consistent safety and love to me, even though I hadn't felt safety and love before in my life.  He chose to take that step with me and to show me what he saw in me - someone deserving of love and safety, even though I didn't love myself and I certainly didn't feel safe in the world.  Through this modeling, I have slowly started to feel safety and love.  

Building Safety - Relationships

Like in infancy when we are internally learning through the external, in adulthood we are also externally learning safety through modeling from a safe partner and also learning how to use our own resources (what makes us feel safe - ex. a blanket) to feel internally safe.

Our relationships with everyone in our lives are complex and will probably change over our lifetime.  Each relationship decides what is safe and unsafe for them (the things that are unsafe and safe may change over time, especially if we were modeled unhealthy survival and neglect).  Each person in a relationship is bringing with it what has been modeled to them.  We have an opportunity to give each other a safe space to grow and thrive in - to learn safety in.  It can be complicated and messy, but if we're each willing to put the work into helping each other and our own selves to grow, it can be an amazing experience.

It can take time to find healthy models.  It is okay for you to take the time that you need to determine if someone is safe or unsafe for you.  For those of us raised in neglect, this can be extremely challenging.  In abuse, our sense of safety (gut, intuition or instinct) may be built toward pleasing someone who is unsafe in order to remain safe.

What might safety look in a relationship?

When Brian and I first got together, he wanted to take care of me instead of trying to fix the world (and its real or perceived dangers).  It's taken me awhile (still with some challenges) to feel safe in that way of safety (even though it's what I always wanted, but had never been modeled to me until him).  

Through our 25 years together of consistently deciding to learn more than what we were taught, we're learning what it is to provide a safe space for ourselves and each other.  It is still be scary for us to speak for our wants and needs, but with consistent safety from each other it does start to become easier.

Here are a few examples of how my husband has provided safety for me:

Consistency.  Above all else is consistency.

If I'm ever in need, he drops everything and is there with me.

Last night I had a very horrible diabetic night.  When I got up this morning, my husband hugged me, kissed me and pitied me.  I felt safe after a very unsafe night.  I'm continuing to care for myself today in the ways that make me feel safe.

Another example is when I taught yoga.  He always gave me a safe place to voice my fears, frustration and questions.  I leaned on him to remind me of who I am when the yoga world wasn't a world in which I felt safe.  He was always there saying to me, "Be you.  It's what I love most about you".

The best way my husband provides safety for me is by openly exploring my endless questions with me.  He's willing to explore all of the endless possibilities without needing a concrete answer.  

The journey continues...

Questioning over the past couple of months has taken me to a different place than what I expected to be.  Questions are now leading to more questions with more answers that are constantly changing or expanding.  The world is not concrete and that is starting to feel a little more safe to me.  I look forward to even more questioning with my husband and others who continue to give me the safe space to be me - the questioner.

Being given external safety is allowing me to feel internally safe enough to ask endless questions.  I've asked myself recently if there could be more to the events in my life in which I was unsafe.  For years I have focused on those who were not safe for me because that focus is what I thought would keep me alive - and in a way it did... it helped me to remember what I didn't want to repeat again in my life.  


I am now able to focus a little more on the few safe adults at my parent's church who modeled safety, even though their church was unsafe on many levels.  In yoga, it was the people who came to my classes every week who modeled love and safety for me.  They helped me to take my fear and vulnerability by the hand and to know love and safety.  Because of their modeling of love and safety, I was able to step into every class and focus on them while teaching authentically in my own way instead denying myself and focusing on those outside of the room who felt unsafe to me.

Coming out of unsafe survival can be very difficult.  I'm finding myself in the middle of this learning with constant ups and downs - twists and turns.  I find myself with stunned moments of realizing just how deeply this unhealthy survival and neglect modeling goes.  There are many times throughout the day that I have to decide if I'm going to give into survival thinking by focusing on fixing the (real or perceived) threats of the external world instead of focusing on the safety of myself and my husband.  There are times that I go with survival way and I deeply feel the neglect, but I now know that there is a choice and I am aware that I'm making that choice.  

I am learning the next step of my life - what thriving in my life is.  

Thank you for going on this journey with me.

-- Lisa Pratt, February 2020 - The Year of Questioning






















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