The Fairy Tale Life


Brian and I are often asked the story of how we came together.  It seems that some may assume that what we've chosen to create together has been easy.  To assume that would be a mistake.  To share the story of how we came together, we'll need to go back aways first to bring it all to present.


The Awkward and Amazing Story of Brian & Lisa

Does fate exist? Is there such a thing as a Fairy Tale ending? Great questions.  Let's keep reading...

Once upon a time there were two nerdy, awkward, funny, music-loving, movie-loving, active, introverts who were searching for someone who was equally as nerdy, awkward, funny, music-loving, movie-loving, active and introverted.  

(Here's your chance to grab a glass of wine, sit back and let's see if these two ever find each other.)

Brian nor I had examples of what we wanted our relationship to be.  Brian's dad died when he was about 3 years old and he was raised by an amazing mom who didn't show a lot of emotion.  He grew up poor, but never went without and had a happy childhood.  

I was raised by two parents who were self-involved and dysfunctional.  My mom was extremely conditional and love was always off the table if I didn't please her (which I never did).  My dad never protected me.  They thought that raising me to be a people-pleaser would keep me safe (even when it came to adults who abused my boundaries) and people-pleasing ensured that I would meet their needs. My parents taught me a solid work ethic and they were both smart in their own ways.  What I realize now as a mature adult is that my parents were doing what the world told them to do.  They were too afraid to question and they just followed even though it was destructive to our family.   

As a child, I never dreamed of having a career nor a big house with lots of things.  I only dreamed about having a relationship with a healthy and loving person to share my life with.  I dreamed of someone who loved me for me and encouraged me to live as me.  I wanted someone who would work through problems with me in a healthy way.  My sense always told me that that person was out there somewhere - I just had to find that person.  

But, the childhood with my parents had created some patterns in my brain that I needed to work through first.

I married the first time at 20 years of age to a man who was the perfect mix of my parents.  He was older and made good money.  For what I needed then, he met those needs. 

I would speculate that a lot of girls in their 20's are like me.  Survival kicks in and we have this extreme (and very real) fear that we have to take whomever comes along first because no one will ever want us again.  Our "beauty" and biological clocks are ticking loudly and our fear is that we will be the only unmarried girl.  Competition is the key to our 20's - survival is in the lead while our heart lingers behind.

I married my ex in a tiny chapel in Tennessee.  When we were standing at the altar with my ex-'s two friends, I was panicked.  I knew I didn't want to marry this man (he disgusted me), but I didn't want to live any longer with my mom and I had no way home.  I would never live this down with my mom and I'd be embarrassed by my (seeming) failure.  I convinced myself that I could just push through the rest of my life with this man and appear on the outside like everything was perfect - exactly what my parents taught me to do.  And so I married him.

I guess if you're going by the Disney version of a fairy tale, then my ex was probably that:  I was the girl who couldn't make it on her own and needed saved from the home she was was living in.  I was being "swept" away by the older man with money.  (And end movie...)

I started to realize there was a problem not long into our marriage when I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  My mom was worried that my (now) ex would leave me (and that's all she was focused on) while my ex didn't care that I had the disease as long as he didn't have to be involved (and he refused to ever be).  One time I was laying on the floor of our home having a severe insulin reaction and all he did was step over me and kept right on walking.  Yep... there may be a problem here.

There are many stories I could tell you about that marriage, but the truth is it wasn't a happy one.  No one on the outside realized that and I was too ashamed to tell anyone.  My parents taught me to always put on a smile as soon as you stepped outside the door of your home and to never let anyone on the outside of your home know what is happening within the home.  I followed what they taught me because it's what I knew then (even though something always told me there was more).

It's seven years down the road of making everyone on the outside believe that everything was perfect and I clearly recall the moment I looked at myself in the mirror one morning as I was getting ready for work.  I saw the tears and I saw such an incredibly unhappy and lost person.  I thought, "I either kill myself or I leave".  I left with nothing but a few clothes.  I was a Type 1 diabetic who was working a part-time job that paid less than $7/hr and no insurance.  I couldn't afford insulin.  I had no where to go.  Thankfully, a friend at work invited me to stay with her and I did.

It's a year or two before I left my ex and I'm working part-time in a small company.  Part of my job is to decorate the big Christmas tree for the company and someone is asked to help me decorate.  I'm married to my ex at this time, but this other person and I make each other laugh - it's easy and we have fun.  Time moves on.

Taking another jump... it's a year or so later after putting up the Christmas tree at my job and I'm now divorced.  It was an incredibly difficult time for me.  My mom is only concerned with what others think and whether I'm gay or having an affair.  She will choose to never understand and she's not entitled to know the details.  I've considered taking my life.  I'm lonely and alone.  How will I make it?

Jumping four months down the road from considering taking my life and I'm at work.  I see this funny guy again who I had decorated the Christmas tree with.  I see him outside the window wearing red sweat pants and I know he's the one.  I know his name is Brian, that he works in the factory where I work and he's funny, but that's really all that I know about him.  This is weird for me... I thought I would never want to take a chance again.  

Our company was going to a hockey game and I asked Brian to go with me.  Not understanding that I was asking him out, he told me no.  Thankfully, a friend helped him to see that I was asking him out and so he asked me to go to a hockey game by ourselves.

Basically, after that moment we were inseparable.  We moved in together after a couple of dates, were engaged a couple of months later and married a year after that.

It sounds magical, doesn't it? It was.  It sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it? Well, for me that's just the start and we're not really to the fairy tale yet.  For me, the fairy tale is held in the work that we have chosen to do over the years.  To be with someone who is willing to work with me instead of what I grew up with in my parents dysfunctional home was everything I'd ever wanted and dreamed of.

Since we didn't have examples of how we wanted to have a healthy relationship, we had to work (and I mean, we have chosen to work hard) to figure out what that looked like to us.  We had to start letting go of what we had been taught and what the world told us.  We needed to learn something totally new with no examples in this world of what that would be.

There have been times over our years together when we've looked at each other and said, "Do we want to keep doing this together?" Every time we've said, "Yes, and we have work to do". 

To say we've been through a lot together over our (at present) 24 years together would be an understatement.  Together we've been through:  C-PTSD; anxiety; panic attacks; chronic illnesses; Type 1 diabetes; deaths of multiple family members; surgeries; quite a few moves; a huge move to another state; and soooo many happy times that it's impossible to tell them all.

So, were Brian and I fated to be together? I don't know.  I do know that I'm incredibly happy that these two nerdy, awkward, funny, music-loving, movie-loving, active, introverts did find each other and chose to keep working together toward what they wanted.  We LIKE each other and we LIKE being together.  We're our best when we're together.  I wouldn't want to be with anyone other than Brian.

Would I have appreciated Brian the way I do now without marrying my ex? I'd like to think I could have gotten here another way, but probably not.  I had a lot to learn.  I may have needed to marry someone the first time who was exactly like my parents for me to REALLY know that I wanted, needed and deserved better.  Through Brian, I know that I'm truly worthy of someone who puts me first and who will never step over me and walk on while I'm having an insulin reaction - he'll be right there beside me with a towel and glucose tablets.

I do believe that every person can carry with them needs from their past and will continue to look for that person who will fill those needs.  In the beginning, we generally choose people who are like our parents/caregivers.  Sometimes we're trying to recreate a magical childhood so that we can relive it forever.  Other times we're recreating something unmet from our childhood that we want to finally complete and it's made up of those who are unable/unwilling to meet our needs - just like our parents/caregivers.  Our brains have become programmed (addicted) to have that type of relationship pattern and it will keep trying until finally it is satisfied that our needs are met.  All the while, the brain is recreating the exact same pattern through people who aren't able/willing to meet those unmet needs.  Our brain keeps that pattern going UNTIL we stop and say, "Hmmmm... maybe I'm looking to get my needs met through the wrong people.  Maybe I'm choosing people just like my parents/caregivers who are unwilling/unable to meet my needs." When we make that realization, our addiction can change with work.  When we question, the magic can happen.

Brian and I both have unmet needs that need to be met.  

As I said in the beginning, my mom was extremely conditional with love always being taken away.  My dad never protected me.  Brian came in and filled those needs.  My word for Brian is "grace" and he is that word.  He's always there for me and he's always there with me.  He loves me.   He likes me.   He protects me without focusing on the world.

I am an emotional person who bases all of my decisions on emotion/feeling.  Since Brian grew up with a mom who didn't show much emotion, I assume that must have been a need for him that I fill.  While Brian lives more by faith and in the moment, I plan based on the past, present and future.  Together we balance each other out and meet the unmet needs.

With Type 1 diabetes, C-PTSD and anxiety, Brian's gotten pushed to the back a lot.  Thankfully, now that is balancing out and he's able to step to the foreground with me.  He's never hesitated to be there with me and that's all I ever wanted.  I never wanted "perfection" in terms of the world.  I wanted an equal, loving, funny, smart and caring person who was willing to build a mature relationship with me.   We've made that dream happen.

When we haven't been taught healthy tools, we need someone who can teach us those tools and how to use them successfully together.  We have worked with an amazing therapist who listened to BOTH of us (not just one) and helped us to see why we were getting the results that we were getting.  She gave us great tools to use in those moments.  

A lot of my work was in learning to let go of my parents teaching to only please the world in order to survive while not paying attention to what was important - our family.  Your past will always come in to try to guide you through with fears.  Listen to those feelings and fears - take them by the hand and let them tell you what you really want and do deserve.  With work, you can start to learn more than what you were taught by the world or your past.  You can start to trust yourself and build together the relationship that you want.

Lisa Pratt -- January 2020


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